Beyond Barriers: Love, Liberation, and Belonging at Sex Down South (His Perspective)
Unsplash: Dylann Hendricks
For the past decade, Sex Down South (SDS) has established itself as a premier sexual wellness and educational conference centered on Black, POC, Queer, and Women’s experiences, attracting an open-minded and welcoming audience that genuinely embraces all people. It’s the ultimate example of “game recognizes game” and “like attracts like” in the best possible way. If that’s what you’re here for, I’m the one, and it’s story time.
So grab a drink and some snacks, because I’ma go slow and take my time with it too. 😏
(Reading time is approximately one hour.)
Let’s go!
Here at SexTech n’ Chill, my girl Sherri and I talk a lot about sex and all the fascinating, complex stuff around it. That might lead some to assume we’ve done all the things—everywhere, every way. It paints a fun picture, but honestly? That’s not quite our reality. The truth is, we’ve got our own challenges, discomforts, and hangups when it comes to sexuality. And that’s a big part of what fuels our commitment to wellness and why we created this platform in the first place.
With that in mind, as excited as we were about attending SDS, we felt some real anxiety and apprehension in the days leading up to it. Ironically, that’s also part of what drew us in—because wellness isn’t just about pleasure; it’s about healing, too. Doing “the work” means facing those fears, growing, and evolving on this journey of self-discovery, both as individuals and as a couple.
Our first experience with any Sex Down South event was the virtual one hosted at the start of the pandemic and it left a lasting impact. One of the most memorable moments for me that year was the session on body love and shifting our perspectives on ourselves. I’m grateful I had the opportunity to participate, as it reinforced my desire to keep exploring and growing in that area.
When Sherri and I entered the space at Sex Down South this past September, we knew instantly it would be an environment that embraced us and encouraged us to shine—one where being in an interracial relationship didn’t come with all of the extra baggage and we could just blend in if that’s what we wanted, or come strong with the sexy and stand out, without the fetishization BS.
Atlanta—The Perfect Host City
Nestled tightly in the heart of Atlanta, the Hilton Hotel is massive, and you can feel it as soon as you step into the lobby—it’s got that fortress-like vibe you’d expect from old stone castles or government bunkers. At the same time, there’s this cool, retro-dated energy, with people dipping in and out of rooms, cocktails in hand. It’s the kind of place that makes you want to make a grand entrance, rolling in with bags, maybe stuntin’ in some fur, Timbs, or late-90s platform heels. I’m not talking about ballin’ out, just a touch of luxe—the kind of “ghetto fabulous” we used to love back in the day.
The dim lighting sets a sultry tone, especially with the overlooking decks where folks perch to people-watch. The layout is unique, with bold geometry—hard lines, sharp angles, and plenty to admire in the architecture. I’m into it. Most of our travel is business mixed with pleasure, so I live for that “we’ve arrived” vibe, and you can definitely lean into it here.
After decades of loving and working together, I’m all about keeping the romance alive, avoiding that rut people talk about when the spark fades. For me, that means always keeping a hand free to walk with Sherri—that’s my love language. So we’re usually happy to have a bellhop on deck, allowing me to focus on her and soak in our surroundings without the hassle of juggling bags.
Hotel Accommodations
While the Atlanta Hilton has done a commendable job hiring friendly and accommodating staff—who were consistently professional—there were some issues during our stay worth mentioning.
Not long after we unloaded our gear and changed clothes, we noticed the room’s temperature was uncomfortable. After inspection, hotel maintenance informed us that the A/C was out, necessitating a move to a different floor. While this wasn’t a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, it did disrupt our experience and I’m glad we noticed it before we had unpacked.
Additionally, I found the hotel’s bellhop cart policy frustrating. Guests must request a bellhop to access a cart, which feels counterintuitive, especially after we had already tipped the original bellhop for their assistance. The Hilton could improve in this area by ensuring bellhops are fairly compensated without burdening guests—especially when we were already dealing with a faulty HVAC unit.
Overall, while the staff was great, hotel management should address these operational issues to enhance the guest experience. The space is large with an intriguing layout, providing plenty of selfie opportunities, but the elevator setup could use clearer signage indicating which elevators access the rooms from the lobby and which are for the rooftop lounge. As first-time guests, we found it confusing, and were grateful to a few other attendees who had helped clarify it for us. Improving this flow would be beneficial from an accessibility standpoint.
On a positive note, just like the desk staff, bellhop, and maintenance teams, the valet staff was excellent. I appreciated the friendly interactions with the check-in desk team, who genuinely wanted us to enjoy our stay; we even had a chance to share some laughs. If you stay here, definitely use the valet—this city gets busy, and the parking deck fills up fast. Having valet ensures you’ll always have a spot. Overall, everyone at the Hilton was professional and friendly, and I didn’t sense any shade regarding Sex Down South being hosted in their hotel and our city. That was refreshing and something I was keenly aware of while preparing this post.
The mini convenience store in the lobby was super handy, well-stocked with options I loved—lemonade, snacks, packaged sandwiches, fresh fruit, and more. While some may have preferred charging food to the room, we were perfectly fine using a card and truly appreciated the selection, which had us returning multiple times between meals. Overall, it was a solid stay for the price we paid.
My only other critique of the Hilton was their approach to food delivery. They instructed our Doordash driver to leave our order at an unattended station by the front entrance without informing us. Watching the app with no sign of our food, I reached out to the driver, who explained the situation. If this is Hilton's SOP, it’s fine, but guests should be made aware to plan accordingly. When I went down to grab our food, I noticed several other deliveries sitting unattended—I can imagine some guests not knowing where their orders were.
Having to quickly change and rush down to the lobby felt like an unnecessary inconvenience. I’ve dealt with health issues since childhood that often cause nausea, so timing and preparation are crucial for me. Usually, I need to let my stomach settle before doing anything, and I thought I was in the clear. This unexpected rush threw me off, and for others in similar situations, changes like this could be a bigger issue.
Data, Privacy, and Thoughts on Age Verification
With nerves relaxed and feeling ready to explore, we decided to register on Thursday evening. As we meandered toward registration, anticipation grew. We encountered a few fellow attendees heading toward the lobby, setting the stage for what was to come. Some of the folks we spoke with were veterans of SDS, getting acclimated to the larger venue.
The SDS registration staff were kind, knowledgeable, and helpful, addressing my questions and concerns about data privacy. Still, I wish we’d handled the registration online beforehand—especially since we ended up having to upload our IDs anyway. I’m never thrilled about sharing my state ID and personal information. I understand it’s for everyone’s safety, but it still makes me uneasy.
I would have liked to see the team establish a clear data retention, access, and deletion policy outlining how our information is used and when it’s purged from their systems. Providing a way for attendees to request the removal of their information would enhance privacy protections. They could easily include this process on the registration screens and their website. With frequent data breaches these days, I prefer my information not be stored unless it’s absolutely necessary. SDS has set the bar high in many areas—other events are clearly watching—and this could be another opportunity for them to lead by example.
I know this is the techie/CEO side of me speaking, but all businesses should consider these principles. The best privacy policy is simple: collect only what’s necessary, protect it, have a clear retention plan, allow customers to access their information, and provide a means for permanent deletion when needed. Even large companies like Google can face breaches, and once data is out there, it’s irreversible.
Afterward, I reflected on my concerns to ensure I wasn’t overthinking things. While I oppose ID verification and age gates for online spaces, it feels different for in-person events, much like entering a 21+ club or buying liquor. In-person ID checks don’t store data in a database and aren’t subject to the same risks of third-party interception during transit. The Woodhull Freedom Foundation offers a great resource breaking this down: Online Age Verification is Not the Same as Flashing Your ID at a Liquor Store. As long as entrances are staffed and attendees vetted, the system works—but privacy should always remain a priority.
Pragmatics + Mechanics: A Fresh Perspective on Event Inclusivity
The folks at the registration desk were well-equipped with knowledge, patience, and a genuine willingness to help everyone navigate the process smoothly.
I really appreciated the badge customization station, which featured extras like stickers to highlight different aspects of your identity. They had stickers for everything from preferred pronouns to orientation—such a thoughtful and well-executed idea.
The person assisting us explained the color-coded bracelets and what they represented. I appreciated how much thought Tia and Marla put into this aspect. The bracelets indicated whether you wanted to be photographed or if you were open to greetings and social interactions. I asked a few clarifying questions before choosing one that communicated I was open to folks saying “Hey!” and engaging with me. This was another considerate addition, especially for an event that draws people from diverse backgrounds. For some, a simple greeting is just that; for others—especially at a sexuality-focused event—it can trigger complex feelings or memories. SDS showed real consideration with this approach.
Sex Down South exemplifies how the success of an event relies heavily on the team behind it. When a team is not only rooted in the subject matter but also representative of often marginalized communities, they are far more likely to understand the diverse needs of attendees. Without that awareness, an event could easily fall flat—or worse, be criticized for missing the mark.
I thought about this when I noticed that the main access points were escalators. Knowing Tia and Marla, I assumed the elevators provided full venue wheelchair access, but I hadn’t confirmed it. After the event, I contacted the Hilton to verify, and yes, the venue floor is wheelchair accessible via elevator. I’m making an effort to be more attentive to areas like this, largely due to the advocacy work of our new friend, ADA Consultant Karnesia Shantel, as well as longtime friend and Disability Awareness Consultant Andrew Gurza. We all have a responsibility to think beyond our personal access needs.
SDS has earned the love it receives because it’s evident how much they genuinely care and how much they’ve invested in making these events inclusive across various aspects of life. It’s no surprise that others are following their lead.
Also, as someone who refuses to fuck up my fly, I never attach event badges to my clothing. Instead, I loop them through my belt loop to hang on my thigh—learned that the hard way years back with a sticker badge ruining a leather jacket, and other events where the badge around your neck steals the show in pictures. So it was a nice touch that they invested in quality clear badge protectors and color-coded lanyards for all attendees. It's the seemingly little things that matter, and they did a good job with that too.
Descending toward the promenade: “It’s Fashion!”
Still with me? I hope so! Trust me, the details and flow will all make sense as this unfolds. I'm building toward something. But don’t worry, I’ma make it worth your while.
Alright, channeling my inner Michael McCary (you know, Bass from Boyz II Men), where was I? Oh yeah, back to the event and why you're really here…
Unsplash: Strvnge Films
Descending the escalator brought up all kinds of feels and butterflies. Sherri was aglow, and legit flossing in her knee boots, and I was appreciating 'em quite nicely 😍. I joked with folks giving her compliments that my Vans boots were getting madd jealous; she couldn’t walk ten feet without someone big-upping her fly-ass boots with the fur (in my best Flo Rida voice). It was a dope feeling to just lean back, admire her shine, and revel in all her sweet sexy the entire weekend.
The long corridor down the center of the venue created those perfect “runway meets the block” moments, and Tia and Marla definitely set a whole vibe. I’m sure the more people you meet, the better the vibes get. Dappin’ up the fam as we stroll and hollerin’ love across the way is another of my love languages. I’m excited to get to know everyone as we build community together.
People came to show out, as we are so fond of doing like nobody else does. While not everybody came flossing the same way or wearing the same kind of gear, that’s the beauty of Sex Down South—you can literally wear (or not wear) whatever works for you. It creates room for ingenuity and creativity in conference attire. From Sherri's knee-high boots and sexy denim shorts to maxi skirts, micro-minis, A-line dresses, BDSM harnesses, leather and fetish wear, body stockings, baggy tees, sweatpants, khakis, dress shirts, slacks, jeans, and those extra-long ’90s era JNCO shorts I almost exclusively rock, it was eleventy-hundred flavors on the fashion front.
I definitely echo sentiments shared in recent conversations with Courtney Brame of Something Positive for Positive People (SPFPP), and during a recent appearance of Hoeology Podcast with Dstany Williams. It felt like we were at home with our people—the culture. We were the outsiders: the question askers, shit talkers, clap-back artists, and interrogators of what’s “supposed to” be done. We were the deconstructors, those who challenged the foundations of our beliefs and the systems of control and power, daring to speak up and out. For those few days, we were all together—cheering each other on, encouraging one another, and radiating good energy, love, and light. The vibes were palpable. If we’d held it on the streets in that sweet Atlanta heat, it would have made for a dope block party.
An Industry Veteran Teaches Us About Holding Space
Victoria Black’s presentation hit hard. She pulled no punches as she delved into the impact of racism on sex worker rights, and I was right there with her as she discussed the historical figure of professional boxer Jack Johnson and his connection to the Mann Act. She highlighted the motivations behind the criminal legal system’s desperate attempts to imprison him alongside his girlfriend, a sex worker. This served as a powerful reminder to keep your head on a swivel and stay savvy about how we operate in an industry battling absurd levels of censorship and stigma. It echoed my own feelings about learning from those who’ve thrived—or at least survived—during times of heightened oppression and persecution. If we’re willing to do some research, the underground economy offers a wealth of creative strategies and ideas for navigating today’s challenges; what’s old is new again, all day.
I’d be remiss not to mention the impact Victoria had as she strode down the “promenade” in her platforms and black kimono—a powerful example of taking up space and refusing to blend in or be unseen. As she noted in her presentation, she’s done the work. It makes sense why she prefers not to engage intimately with Boomers and Gen X, who often avoid this work, instead focusing on Millennials and Gen Z, who have earned a reputation for doing the most—including “the work.”
Finally Meeting One of the Pleasure Industry’s Favorite Couples!
When I think about the pleasure industry, I’m reminded of the book “Black Cool,” especially when it comes to those who’ve made a name for themselves while never missing a moment to shout out the culture. So, it was a highlight for me to finally meet both King Noire and Jet Setting Jasmine in person! I truly appreciate their effortless cool; King’s presence is magnetic/charismatic/dynamic (your choice!), and Jasmine reminds me a lot of my girl Sherri with her authenticity, no matter where we see her.
After a quick selfie, we chatted about potential collaborations between Royal Fetish Films and Fly Media Productions. Can you picture it? How dope would THAT collaboration be?!
Funnily enough, it wasn’t me who initially recognized King. Sherri spotted him during registration while we were customizing our badges. A lot of well-known folks from the pleasure industry were coming through at that time, making it prime for people-watching and seeing who was in the spot. It seemed some locals had the same idea, sliding up to catch a glimpse of what was good.
Never a Dull Moment
Skrrrt! I wasn’t feeling too great Saturday morning, so we unfortunately arrived late for King and Jasmine’s screening of one of their new Royal Fetish scenes. The size of the audience—mostly women—lined up at their vendor table to purchase Royal Fetish products was a clear reflection of the community’s affinity for these two and their work together. Their celebration of partnered intimacy feels like a beautiful hip-hop meets pleasure industry love story, and everyone loves to experience it and wants to see them win.
This Ain’t No Burger King Bathroom, Y’all
I wanted to quickly mention that the Hilton’s cleaning staff did an excellent job—the bathrooms were consistently pleasant. I have a lot of respect for the hard work that goes into maintaining clean restrooms, and I appreciated the multiple attendants on hand. Thank you to everyone involved!
The gender-neutral bathrooms on the venue level were an interesting experience. While it’s not the first time I’ve encountered them, my history as a Black male impacted by policing and demonization makes me pause when navigating these spaces. My biggest fear has always been being falsely accused, which could escalate into a dangerous situation. I always worry that someone might accuse me of something, escalating into a dangerous situation, which makes me hesitant to use them. I might never be completely comfortable entering a bathroom shared with women and fems, but that’s something rooted in my upbringing. Who knows? Maybe I’ll surprise myself and, given enough time, it won’t feel like a big deal at all.
One great thing I noticed about the gender-neutral bathrooms was their flow—unlike gender-specific ones, where the women’s room often has a line wrapping around the block while the men’s is breezy, the gender-neutral setup adapted intuitively. More femme-presenting folks gravitated to the other bathroom, resulting in barely any wait on either side. I appreciated this, especially after watching my wife and other women endure systemic imbalances and the discomfort it creates.
To anyone who believes that men—cis or otherwise—are inherently incapable of good behavior, this experience disproves that notion. Gender-neutral bathrooms were not an issue for me. Beyond some mild discomfort about avoiding unintended encounters, I’ve learned to adapt and will continue to do so. I appreciate that Tia, Marla, and the Sex Down South team have incorporated this into their event’s strategy. I hope more spaces recognize these setups as opportunities for growth, empathy, and understanding.
All men have the capability to improve and learn to be better citizens, even in unfamiliar or uncomfortable situations. It requires investment in creating safe experiences for everyone, and that includes cis hetero men understanding their responsibility to not be the weak link in any issues. When we see something amiss, we must take responsibility, call our brothers in, and work to make things right. I believe there’s a whole swath of men who are more than up to the task!
If You’re Anything Like Us, It Just Takes Time; Give Yourself Some Grace
Meeting so many folks I’d only connected with online was quite the experience. There were moments when I didn’t even realize who I was talking to, including some people I thought I had a decent rapport with. Recognizing everyone in this new context felt like a twisted board game at times.
While I was focused on my camera gear, Linnea came over to say, “Hey!” and I was completely clueless, not connecting how we all knew each other. During one of the packed keynotes, while standing in the crowded, hot space at the back of the main auditorium, we were right next to our online friend Yael. I literally didn’t recognize her until we were shuffling for spots as more folks tried to cram in. Times like this make me thankful for the citrus scent of my signature fragrance. It was Sherri who gave me the heads-up. I didn’t feel as bad tho, as Yael had quickly whispered to us about having had the same initial reaction! 😆
From Yael to Naima, Dstany, Linnea, Dee, Jennifer, and a few others—I apologize for my face blindness. It’s definitely a me thing, and no disrespect meant. It was a pleasure talking with all of you, and Sherri and I look forward to future opportunities to connect!
It was also dope to meet several local Atlanta sexuality professionals and enthusiasts. We’re excited to nurture those new acquaintances and build friendships for the long haul. I deeply appreciate the commonalities I see between us and others who are passionate about exploring sexuality, sexual education, and pleasure-centered experiences.
If you come from a background like mine, you may not always feel comfortable in these in-person spaces as much as you’d like (especially if you’ve invested a lot of energy just to be there), and that discomfort can sometimes lead to feelings of shame or embarrassment. But we’re doing the work, and we’ll get where we want to be in time—this is how you reach that point in the first place. Some things aren’t just academic exercises; there are accomplishments that can only be achieved through action, not merely by reading or watching. The way to the other side is through.
Yo, Telegram Works with the Cops, Y’all
Before I continue on I want to sidebar real quick with some thoughts about technology. While waiting to chat with Victoria Black about her presentation, I overheard someone nearby mention that Telegram is an encrypted and secure social network. I’ve seen it framed that way before, but in light of recent events, I hope more folks are starting to understand that Telegram isn’t necessarily secure or encrypted by default. It’s crucial for sex workers to recognize how the platform has attracted attention from various entities working on behalf of the police and the broader criminal legal system.
If you’re looking for more information on this, the journalists at 404 Media have been doing an excellent job covering Telegram and similar platforms, detailing how police have infiltrated these networks and the risks posed to their users. Staying informed and vigilant is essential!
Unsplash: Strvnge Films
The Things That Trauma Breeds Deserve Soothing and Healing…
In preparing for events like Sex Down South, Sherri and I often confront discomfort and embarrassment rooted in the significant trauma we’ve both endured—and, at times, the trauma we’ve inadvertently inflicted on each other. Admitting this reality is tough, but it’s also honest. While we write about all the sexy things here at SexTech n’ Chill and engage in inspiring conversations across the pleasure and wellness landscape, we’re also on our own healing journeys. When we say we’re doing this for ourselves too, we mean it literally. We’re not at the end of that journey; although we’ve made tremendous strides in personal growth and healing, there’s still more distance to cover.
As a couple, we genuinely celebrate each gain as we level up. Our time at SDS was fun as hell—eye-opening, encouraging, inspiring, challenging, and educational. We connected with many amazing new people, and those we already knew reaffirmed just how dope they are.
The biggest snag we encountered didn’t occur during the event itself; it came after we returned home and began to decompress, stemming from a misunderstanding more than anything else. While the conflict was disappointing and stressful in the moment, it also served as a reminder and taught us new ways to approach our relationship. We hope this will help us navigate future conflicts more effectively and bring us back together more quickly and smoothly afterward.
While it’s impossible to avoid conflict altogether, we can definitely take steps to make our disagreements more productive and less hurtful when they arise. Shortening the distance between us is our goal. As we’ve expressed to many of you, “We’re passionate people. We love hard, we fuck hard, and when we conflict—though it’s never physical—we can sometimes approach it with that same intensity.”
Our Favorite Partnered Workshop!
I’d be remiss not to spotlight the incredible workshop session led by Dakota Ramppen, with demonstration support from her willing accomplice, Courtney Brame 🫡. Dakota, whom you might recognize from our 8 Essential Songs for Sexy Vibes feature, delivered a fantastic workshop on oral sex, complete with mostly SFW live demonstrations, engaging examples, and the obligatory PowerPoint slide deck. Their energy together is infectious, and we’d be blessed as a community to have more partnered workshops like theirs in the future.
The room was packed, with about 100 people present during Dakota’s session, and Sherri and I’s attention was wrapped—like a pair of lips around... I jest! But seriously, Dakota and Courtney had everyone’s full attention, and their dynamic is something special. I know we’ll be seeing more amazing things coming from their camp.
It’s always refreshing to see another Black male face doing culture-shifting work in the sexual wellness space, especially as part of an interracial couple that publicly embraces their relationship without fetishization or shame.
Then Came Goody Howard… Making Me Reflect Deeply On Black Faces In White Spaces
Goody Howard had me in my feels. Coming from tech, brand, and marketing spaces, I’m all too familiar with conferences where I’m “one of” (maybe two or a handful) of Black or other people of color in predominantly white professional environments. Growing up in New England, this was par for the course in my workforce experience. You learn to navigate these spaces if you want to succeed, adapting in ways that ensure you thrive—sometimes even just to survive. I’m not being hyperbolic when I say that.
Being in predominantly white spaces isn’t inherently negative, but it’s certainly not the same as being in an environment where you see yourself mirrored in the faces around you. I’ve come to view all that I bring—my presence (outsider or not), including my sexy and my Blackness—as a strength, equipping me to navigate the tech, marketing, and brand-oriented creative sectors. However, what I experienced at Sex Down South was on a different level.
It took a moment, but I slowly began to recognize and unpack additional aspects of my self-image as we attended sessions and engaged with everyone around us. Realizing that a lifetime of being criminalized, fetishized, and demonized profoundly impacts one’s psyche is crucial. I’ve been actively working through these feelings, striving to create spaces for healing, evolution, and growth.
Spaces like this are akin to anabolics for weightlifters (I know, kinda fucked up analogy), but they supercharge your growth. Gradually learning to stop second-guessing every move, glance, action, word, and body movement—constantly worrying about how someone might interpret your behavior—is liberating. While I still have plenty of moments consumed by that trepidation, it definitely lessened during our stay.
Experiencing so many Black folks embracing their sexuality in an environment dedicated to sexual exploration was transformative. Witnessing other Black men and masculine individuals openly express their desires and eroticism is hard to articulate, but it was incredibly freeing. I saw myself differently, much like how I felt after participating in the SDS virtual session on body acceptance.
In a broader context, I confronted the painful reality of how profoundly flawed this country’s systems are, especially for Black folks who face targeted oppression under the weight of white supremacy. It steals our peace of mind, tramples our joy, and hampers our ability to give and receive love, affection, and erotic experiences. My heart aches for us and for all those who genuinely love us.
Goody Keeps it 100
During Goody Howard’s keynote, I was struck by a radical optimism fueled by her authenticity. When she addressed the tangible impact of intolerance on the sex-positive community—especially for LGBTQ+ individuals, Black and other BIPOC folks, and women of all backgrounds—it resonated deeply. It felt like FINALLY hearing someone who wasn’t fetishizing the kumbaya narrative or asking us to overlook the harsh realities around us. Instead, she encouraged us to think collectively, to organize, and to build coalitions. Goody emphasized the importance of thinking with our hearts, rooted in radical love, while also acknowledging the political radicalism inherent in expressing Black joy, love, and eroticism.
In today’s climate of MAGA white supremacy and the pervasive impacts of fascism, it makes sense for many of us to consider self-defense seriously. I’ve always been a proponent of keeping it real, and Goody Howard did NOT disappoint. While I hope for a day when I’ll never have to use it, I stay ready. We’d be foolish to forget the lessons of the last 20 years about the importance of protecting ourselves from extremist violence.
Goody navigated challenging topics without leaving us feeling defeated. She emphasized action: “What will we do when we leave here?” She urged us to share what we've learned within our networks, register to vote, and engage in conversations with family and friends. Educating the young people in our lives is crucial, too. Instead of constantly trying to reinvent the wheel, she encouraged us to support existing organizations that are already doing important work.
She asked the audience for recommendations on organizations deserving immediate support, which gave me the chance to highlight a few of my favorites: The Global Trans Equity Project (GTEP) (formerly known as 100 Black Trans Men and 100 Black Trans Women), led by Elijah Nicholas; and the Woodhull Freedom Foundation, along with their flagship initiative, Fact Checked, spearheaded by Riccy Leavy and Mandy Salley.
Finding and Building Community as an Interracial Couple
Being in that space as a long-term interracial couple was beautiful. After nearly 30 years together, I’m always aware that I’m in an interracial relationship, and I’ve grown accustomed to the challenges it brings, especially in public. Fortunately, most of the negativity we’ve faced hasn’t come from Black folks, which I genuinely appreciate. I recognize there are legitimate grievances some Black folks may have about interracial relationships, as they can be used to excuse abhorrent behaviors and weaponize respectability politics. Ignoring these concerns would be ignorant of our history and current reality; just look around. Even though I’ve built resilience to handle it, the burden of being in the spotlight and addressing harmful words can be heavy.
I also realize I should never have taken on that burden in the first place; it reflects a flawed form of respectability politics. As a couple, we’ve always been committed to supporting our community because it is our community, striving to build a space that includes all types of folks. Just as I aim to be a good man—understanding that not all men are defined by the worst among us—my best response to bad behavior is to refuse to be silent and call it out. I also work on becoming a better version of myself by educating others and amplifying the voices of those doing better.
In the past, I internalized toxic messages suggesting that bringing my wife into Black spaces was problematic or disrespectful. Yes, people actually voiced that. Nowadays, I’m in a better place. If some individuals don’t want us in Black-centered spaces for any reason—and I understand there can be legitimate reasons—we acknowledge that and opt out.
Over the years, I’ve forged relationships with a diverse range of Black folks who love and respect us, appreciating us for who we are as individuals and as a couple. I’m immensely grateful that my wife loves me and my community so deeply. After nearly 30 years together, her loyalty and genuineness have never wavered, even through our hardest times and conflicts.
When You’ve Summoned the Courage to Be Vulnerable and Things Don’t Go as Planned
While Sherri didn’t mention it in her write-up, she brought to my attention a heartfelt sentiment shared by an attendee on social media after the event ended. This individual expressed that, despite attending Sex Down South events in the past and filling out messages on the desires/fantasy wall each time, no one had ever approached them with genuine interest regarding their expressed items. This experience struck me deeply.
As Sherri recounted the story, I felt empathy for this person; I know what it feels like to be overlooked and left out, especially after summoning the courage to be vulnerable, only to feel invisible due to the lack of response. I genuinely hope this attendee finds the confirmation and experiences they seek in the future.
Experiences like this serve as a testament to the importance of never giving up on ourselves. We must continue to do the work, so even in moments of disappointment—when external validation seems absent—we can hold our heads high. While I know that’s easier said than done, and it doesn’t replace the experiences that particular conference-goer was hoping for, it can help prevent slipping back into shame or self-loathing.
Unsplash: Strvnge Films
Navigating Spicy Events Post-Purity Culture
Outside of our limited experience at SDS '23, this event marked one of the only times I can recall being in-person in a space where people fully embraced their sexuality, engaged in education, and explored experiences while comfortably wearing lingerie and fetish wear. This time, I felt a deep level of comfort within myself. In past experiences, I often found myself swimming in discomfort, but this transformation was made possible by the preparation, communication, and planning we did in advance. I’m incredibly proud of the work we put in to make this event successful for both of us.
For many, this may sound like a LOT; but it's essential to recognize that much of the internal conflict Sherri and I faced stemmed from our backgrounds in a high-control religious group that fostered a hyper-critical and extremely sex-negative environment. The more attacks we encountered—unfair criticisms, rude comments, exclusion, reprimand, surveillance, and shunning—the more difficulties we faced in embracing our sexuality. We had been robbed of our ability to find peace in sexually charged or sexuality-focused spaces that weren't strictly academic.
The brilliance of Marla and Tia's approach with Sex Down South lies in their ability to wrap educational experiences in an entertaining, culturally aware, and sometimes erotic ambiance. Under specific circumstances, it has taken effort for us to acclimate to this environment, allowing us to leave behind stress and fully enjoy the experience as a couple without discomfort.
This year at Sex Down South, we succeeded in doing just that, enjoying an otherworldly level of comfort and connection that we had only hoped for.
New Opportunities for Deepening Romance at Sex Down South
I can’t express enough how good it felt to date my wife for the better part of the week in early September. It was a welcome opportunity to pull out our Tote & Carry bags, explore interesting spaces, and meet a plethora of friendly and fascinating folks. We took the time to spoil each other, chill, and delve into sexual wellness as a couple. For us, having fought our way toward a healthier and happier version of married sexuality, this was a reward we’d earned long ago.
I’m already looking forward to next year, where we plan to make the spot our home for the entire week instead of just three nights. I cherished all the compliments and positive energy, even during tough conversations, and appreciated the friendly vibes from my fellow sexplorers!
...and next year, I’m definitely going to skate that rooftop walking track too!
About an hour in, and a million words later, I genuinely hope my little retelling has left you feeling satisfied and excited for your own new experiences at Sex Down South! ✌🏾
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ICYMI: From Fear to Freedom: A Newbie's Experience at Sex Down South (Her Perspective)
Also: Fireside Chat: 10 Years of Sex Down South, with Tia Marie and Marla Renee Stewart
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