What Does It Really Mean to Embrace "The Work" of Self-Discovery?
I can't even put into words how deeply this episode resonated with me. 😮💨
Seeing two well-known couples openly sharing their vulnerabilities and truths about the intricacies of their sex lives while balancing the roles of married partners, parents, and accomplished professionals was incredibly impactful. What resonated even more was their willingness to discuss how the church had influenced their sexual experiences, a facet of their lives that we may not typically associate with them. Hell, fucking, yes! We need more of this honesty and openness!
I highly recommend watching the entire episode because the four of them touch on numerous crucial topics, and their experiences are best heard directly.
One particular aspect, however, stood out to me and deserves discussion, as it holds substantial significance for those who have left purity culture. It represents the difference between a successful transition to a post-purity culture life and the perpetuation of the same patterns and beliefs.
Toward the end of the conversation (from the 58:36 minute mark to 59:47), Elaine posed an incredibly important question about how Shan and Jared had each navigated the complexities of their Catholic upbringing and its impact on their sexuality: What did that work look like, and what did it consist of?
“So, how did both of you guys do that work? Like, what did that work look like, because even you said that you had to kind of disassociate with your Catholic context for sex in order to get to a place where you could really be free with Jared? And then," she continues, pointing to Jared, "you’re talking about your religious experience kind of being a hindrance for your ability to be sexual, but you guys said you both individually did your work before meeting each other, like what did that work consist of?”
Here, 'the work' Elaine refers to is the various processes or actions a person takes to overcome obstacles or inner conflicts related to their sexual lives and religious upbringing. So, what does 'doing the work' really look like?
For Reuben and I, who have been on this journey both individually and together for several years, we’ve found the work to encompass these four core parts:
Question Everything
Educate Yourself
Put it into Practice
Make it a Practice
Let's explore!
Question Everything
The first step to liberation and self-discovery is to, quite literally, question everything. Diving headfirst into self-awareness and peeling back the layers of why we are the way we are — so you can then get to why you are the way you are. It requires us to cast a critical eye on all the things we've been taught, raised with, or conditioned to believe.
Why do you believe the things you do? What evidence do you have that those beliefs are true, or that they’re the only or best way?
And all those feelings you're carrying around, have you ever asked yourself why you give them permission to live rent-free in your head? Deeply examine your emotions, judgments, and fears. Get hyper self-aware: Why do you feel the way you do? Are you being a bit judgmental with yourself or others? Is fear maybe in the driver's seat? What is it so afraid of?
In essence, this pillar encourages you to deconstruct the protective walls you've built around yourself. What's the worst that could happen if you let go of certain beliefs or fears? And conversely, what's the best that could happen if you embrace change and new perspectives?
Educate Yourself
Now that you've become aware of your beliefs and are open to change, it's time to become a student of life and dive headfirst into the world of self-education — maybe even for the first time.
Take in as much information as you can, and make it a deliberate mission to seek out voices and perspectives that challenge your existing beliefs. Be receptive to new truths, even if they initially clash with your preconceived notions. Cultivate an open mind, and embrace the discomfort of new ideas; that's where growth happens.
Explore a wide range of resources, from books and podcasts, to documentaries and TV shows. Consider webinars, classes, conferences, and events as your training grounds for a new way of thinking.
Start from where you are in your journey and take it one step at a time. Envision an ideal scenario where things are different today. What does that reality look like in your wildest dreams? Begin by taking small, deliberate steps toward that vision, gradually transforming it into your new reality.
Put it into Practice
Now, it's time to put it into practice! In my experience, the only way out is through, and the only way to truly transform is by taking action. It's the 'doing' part that makes all the difference. You have to practice doing the things you want, and that includes learning how to respond differently in situations that trigger you.
As you continue on your journey, you'll notice that those triggers start to lose their power. Gradually, you'll find that you're no longer as easily triggered, or if you are, it's just a fleeting reminder of the old you.
The moment you begin to experience the tastes of freedom from conditioning and experience genuine pleasure devoid of all the nonsense, it will fuel your determination to keep pushing forward. Each step you take in practicing new ways of being brings you closer to lasting change and authentic self-discovery.
Make it a Practice
And finally, let's not forget the power of consistency. Maintain your commitment to questioning everything, remaining open to new perspectives, and practicing the life you want. Whether we want to accept it or not, it's the small, regular actions that lay the foundation for profound transformation. It was persistent micro-actions that once shaped our old beliefs, and now, it's these consistent new actions that will reshape our thinking.
In closing, I want to acknowledge that personal growth and transformation are a gradual processes, and the journey to liberation and self-discovery is often a bumpy ride, one I've experienced firsthand. Be patient with yourself as you navigate this journey. Prioritize self-care and self-compassion throughout the process. Acknowledge every win along the way — and celebrate the big ones!
The episode we discussed today is a beautiful and powerful example of the significance of open dialogue, vulnerability, and the willingness to question our deeply ingrained beliefs. Don't hesitate to reach out to a supportive community or seek guidance from mentors and peers who share your journey.
As you embark on your journey of 'doing the work,' remember to question everything, educate yourself, put it into practice, and make it a daily commitment. Your path to a brighter, more authentic future begins with you, and it starts now.
Embrace these principles, keep asking, keep learning. You hold the power to transform your life!
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Thumbnail Image Credit: Jonathan Singletary / Instagram
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